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Monday, June 15, 2009

so the past few months/days were fine until i went out with my friends and my boyfriend for the 75387th time. i had this weird feeling cos of the heat. i got annoyed, bitched at my boyfriend cos i felt ugly.

i feel depressed... because.... i think no matter what i do to myself i just remain ugly. i hate my face, my eyebrows, my teeth, my body, my skin.. basicly everything about me and no, i am not fishing for compliments. people tell me that i'm pretty but no matter how many times they say it and how many of them tell me that i am, the "ang ganda mo" doesn't have an effect on me.

this is a stupid confession honestly and only 2 people know about it. honestly, i am scared of being alone. i am scared that if i have a boyfriend they'd just leave me for somebody better looking than i am. i can't help the fact that i have to be so insecure to the point that i'd just lock myself in my room and cry infront of the mirror cos of the way i look. i've been starving myself for quite some time just to look better but still... nothing changed about my perception of how i look. :]
i get hotheaded when my hair, my make-up and my clothes don't look good. specially when my hair just get ruined, or my makeup smudges. when my clothes are worn out, when i sweat, when i take a long walk. i get that feeling that i don't want to face people anymore, even myself...in the mirror. :] i feel that i become unwanted by the person i like when i don't look good. i feel like im just too fat and ugly that's why my exes left me. that sentence i kept on getting during my younger days "ay pangit!", i guess that just made a huge mark in me. self esteem went down even more when the boy i loveD actually told me that i'm really ugly, and no matter what i do i'd still look like a monster. i fix myself for 2 hours but still.. i don't feel good about myself. i don't have that feeling of contentment after i fix myself and put my make-up on. i feel obese, i feel dark, i feel flaws are eating me up and this makes me want to just choke myself. i grew up comparing my looks to other people and just get sad. in school, i fix myself infront of the mirror with them college girls and i can't help but just look at them then look back at myself and say "you are ugly, mady." i just can't help the fact that i always i mean ALWAYS have that urge to look good and if i fail, i cry. i get scared and annoyed of my own face and when it happens.. which is quite alot, i get grumpy. extremely grumpy.

i admit that i am the most jealous girl you'll ever meet. i am SERIOUSLY AND HONESTLY not like those girls who actually ruin and shit talk the person they're jealous of.

i know this blogpost might be abit stupid and ofcourse you'd say IT'S VANITY.

hey, this post is about the feeling i've been fighting for years. if you say this post is cool and it's 100% vanity, fuck off. vanity isn't cool, it kills and eats you up alive. you could get killed by your insecurities and that feeling you get when you just want to be perfect.

then again, this is not a post of being cool/acting all cool. if you say im vain and think it's cool? it's not. it's actually a chaos in myself that i can't even fight. a feeling that's so horrible you just want to hide yourself to a place where nobody could ever see you again.. the feeling i get is really horrible. you don't know how hard it is to deal with.

vanity isn't only about perfection and being cool..
vanity WAS NEVER and will NEVER BE cool, kids.

goodnight.
im done sharing my thoughts.

xo

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